Financial compatibility test: why bad credit could be a deal-breaker

Talking about your attitudes toward debt may not be the most romantic conversation but it may save you a future headache. Photograph: Leonhard Foeger/Reuters

Happy Valentine's Day! You've met the perfect guy/woman, and you're heading out for your first V-Day dinner tonight. There is every reason to suppose that your romance will go well. You laugh at the same jokes, love the same movies, share the same dream vacations. You like each other's friends. You both agree that Bernie Sanders is the only candidate qualified to be the next president of the United States.

But when you split the tab for dinner, (another thing you agree on), one of you has your credit card declined.

Nearly half of all respondents to a recent NerdWallet survey said they wouldn't date someone with bad credit, with the rate of those who turned thumbs down rising along with their level of education. (A total of 63% of college graduates said "no" to dating people with bad credit.) If you want a second date, be sure your card is accepted: 46% of respondents wouldn't go out again with someone whose credit card is declined the first time.

When we set out to find love, the emphasis is on looks and personality. Check any of the hottest new apps, from Tinder to Hinge, and the photo takes pride of place. If the picture grabs your attention – wow, great cheekbones! Love the hair! – then you'll check out profile, and if that is well-written, witty, and intriguing, then, hey, why not respond? If all goes well, you could be meeting your next significant other and moving smoothly into a relationship within days or weeks – without ever really finding a non-awkward opportunity to raise the always tricky topic of whether you're financially compatible.

This is no small issue. Sexual compatibility – well, you'll figure that out all on your own, and probably have a lot of fun doing so. (Or else emerge with some great war stories to share with your friends.) Similarly, whether or not you share the same personal values is something that most of us end up discovering pretty quickly, as a byproduct of discussing our personal histories and sharing with our new significant other what it is that makes us happy, our ambitions, our pastimes and our anxieties.

Money is an altogether trickier topic. Stop and ask yourself: how many of your friends know exactly how much money you make, or how you spend it? How often do you voice your opinions about how much they spent on that lavish skiing vacation or a recent shopping spree? How do you respond when your parents question whether you might be spending too much on rent, or not saving enough?

An often-cited study by the Pew Research Center found that 38% of married adults often or sometimes quarreled over money; only 23% never disagreed. And some researchers have found that couples who argued about money matters early on in their relationship had a higher risk of ending up divorced later on down the road, regardless of their incomes or debt levels or credit ratings. (There's even a new specialty out there: a Certified Financial Divorce Analyst…) Moreover, money spats tended to be longer lasting and more intense than their other arguments.

So, while you're trying to figure out whether this person sitting across the dinner table from you shares your values and enough of your personal tastes to make him compatible, you might want to start looking for clues that you'd be a good financial match, too.

I'm not talking about whether he or she makes enough money to keep you in the lifestyle to which you would like to become accustomed – although if that's your goal, well, knock yourself out. Rather, you can start looking for clues to your prospective partner's attitudes to money early on in the relationship, long, long before you ever get to the point about thinking of sharing living space, a bank account or a mortgage.

Talk about debt, and your attitudes to it. There are plenty of ways to approach this topic without having it feel like an interrogation. If you're discussing the presidential election campaign, at some point, the topic of Wall Street reform or the proposal by Sanders to make college tuition free for all, gives you an easy way to mention that you're uncomfortable with the fact that you're still struggling with $35,000 of student debt, and paying it down quickly is a top financial priority for you. Bingo: you have opened the door to a discussion of debt and of your financial priorities; a double win.

Another double win opportunity is to ask your girlfriend's opinion about what to do about your 401(k) plan this year. How much of your salary should you set aside, and how should you pick among the various investment options available? It's a good way to help her feel involved in your life and decisions, it will give you a good idea of how much she thinks about these matters herself, and how much time she has devoted to her own financial planning. Plus, you might get some great advice.

Look at how your partner's family spends their money. Are they exceptionally frugal? (A member of my boyfriend's family likes to recount the discovery, in the home of a recently deceased elderly relative, a paper bag labeled: "String too short to use.") Or do they give lavish gifts on holidays, only to seem anxious about money a few months later? We acquire a lot of our attitudes to money from our families.

Most people will give you plenty of clues about their attitudes to money matters, even in the initial rush of excitement of a new relationship. Perhaps someone will suggest seeing a movie instead of a play, and mention that they'd like to stay within their budget; there will be an offhand remark about sale prices or shopping; someone will say they are postponing buying a new piece of furniture for their under-furnished apartment (that you're seeing for the first time) until their next pay check arrives. All of these are pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

At some point, of course, if it's really love – if the dozen red roses and the expensive Valentine's Day gifts and the romantic dinner all recede into insignificance compared to way the two of you feel when you're together – you'll have to have The Talk. You'll have to disclose credit scores, salaries, debt levels, savings amounts, and how you plan to financially support not only any future children but also (if necessary, and it might well be) your aging parents. Hopefully, the better job you've done at ensuring the two of you are as compatible financially as you are in every other respect, the fewer unpleasant surprises will be waiting for you at this stage.

The good news? Financial compatibility will last a lot longer than you'll resemble that photo you posted on Tinder.

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